GoT S7E03: "The Queen's Justice"

Well, shut my mouth and call me a bitch. If I thought last week was insane...well, we were in no way prepared for this. My, how quickly the tide doth turn. Clearly they're tilting things in Cersei's favor because Dany needed to get knocked down a peg or two; she was becoming overconfident while the odds were stacked so strongly in hers. BUT THIS WAS TOO MUCH, GUYS. ;_; Somehow we've got to turn things back around. But we'll get to that at the end, with the previews...

Okay, so first of all--they had the courtesy to open with Jon arriving at Dragonstone! Bless them (you think at first!) Fire and ice are meeting at last, thanks to our girl Melisandre--who's been quite helpful in an apparent effort to redeem herself somewhat. ("The hot and the cold are both so intense; put 'em together, it just makes sense!") Jon and Tyrion make you think they're gonna come at each other like, "'Sup bro?!" and hug on the beach. Tyrion and Davos acknowledge Blackwater, more than once. Missandei is...not very chatty, we see, as Davos tries to be friendly with her. "I didn't ask!" Jon tells Tyrion as he hears anyway that no, the dwarf did not in fact consummate his sham marriage to Jon's sister...who's "starting to let on" to how much smarter she's gotten. Okay, there is SO much awesome dialog in this one, particularly from Tyrion. And Daenerys. I'll get back to the 'Varysandre' discussion later because dude, THAT was some ominous kinda shit.

"You stand in the presence of..." Missandei rattles off Dany's dozen or so names and titles. Then it's like, "...And this is Jon Snow. A guy. Oh yeah, he's been named King in the North..." Aiight, so Jon refused to bend the knee, which is a little bit surprising because you'd figure he would go with Tyr's reasoning--do that real quick, who cares, there's no time to spare, just get to convincing her camp that the Army of the Dead is THE biggest threat to everyone in Westeros. Both of them made quite reasonable, logical, and fair cases, and I think surprised each other in that sense. Neither is trying to deal with another crazy person here. BUT, the whole "ice zombie" thing IS admittedly difficult to believe without evidence. You need a camera, Jon Snow.

I was so, "You go giirrrlll!" with Dany's "faith in myself" speech. Now, I suppose Jon shot Davos that "Shut up" look because there's no way these people will take them seriously if they claim that he was resurrected, despite the fact that he was. "All right, seriously, what kind of fool do you take me for?" ("I don't know, what kind are you?") And/or, they won't trust a formerly dead man? Mel hadn't mentioned that about him either. Well, that little secret will surely come out at some point...just like the "Omg I'm your nephew" one. Speaking of which, thank goodness they didn't start giving us shipping fuel, or have them instantly fall for each other and get banging. Only one I'd really ship with Daenerys now is Jorah, honestly. (As for Jon? I frankly don't have a great choice for him, currently.)
So, then. SHIT. News arrives. Varys comes a-runnin' to deliver it. The first step went terribly wrong. Big probs, guys, big probs!
THEON! Ya gotta save Yara somehow, man. Your uncle's dragging her around like a dog.

Euron, you are a supreme twat. With mad swag. Truly, the most swag we've seen from anyone on this show, I think. Also--you're a disgusting pig. Euron "Finger in the Bum" Greyjoy. x_x Just, omf. And his disappointed look when Cersei still won't marry him yet. Good points, though, about how all these cheering dolts pretty much do simply enjoy severed heads...they'll cheer whoever seems to be winning, spit at the losers.
Who's in charge of Dorne now? Will they remain Dany's allies with Ellaria & the Sand Snakes eliminated? =\ Cersei's having her payback for poor Myrcella, yet...still...Ellaria and Tyene...that's pretty horrible too...urk. Cersei dreams of ways to kill her enemies--well of course you do. Monstrous Mad Queen. Wouldn't be shocked if you dream of torturing people just for the hell of it. ;p Gee, I wonder which child was YOUR favorite. (Bit more on that later.) Also, "Ser Gregor?" Let's call "it" by its proper name of Ser Robert Strong now, 'kay? But I get it; telling the Dornish ladies that Oberyn's killer is still around makes more of an impact than admitting that he's, well, whatever he now is. And then, LULS! Cersei is beyond giving a shit about people seeing her in her jammies with her brother naked in bed. It's just like whatever. x_x

Oh yeah, lemme go back to the Varys/Melisandre thing. I THOUGHT he'd approach her about the still-open mystery of what he heard in the flames. Seems like that's gonna be significant. But really, he was questioning why she was hiding up there, watching the arrival of the guy she'd begged them to invite. Reasonable. She says she made mistakes, terrible mistakes...so now that she's tried to do what she could to make things right by setting Dany & Jon on this path, she intends to head to Volantis (for a very important purpose, no doubt.) She thinks that by continuing to stick around here, she could only be in the way of what needs to be happening right now, which J&D have to work out themselves. The show has been drawing attention to the similarities between these two, and now it's evident that they have some kind of connection. Expressing sudden concern for her safety, Varys advises her against returning to Westeros, but she tells him that she will have to--because she has to die here, and so does he. Which leaves him (and me) shook. Does this mean they're both gonna die in the show? ;n; (In some significant way, I hope?) Dammit, Mel, 'splain! And Varys, we need to know what the hell you heard. That must be related to this scene.
I kinda wanted them to become, like, friendly. Varys has a totally understandable bias against practitioners of magic. But now...well, we'll just have to see where this whole thing goes, because obviously something's going on there. (Liked some of the ways they addressed each other, though. "Dear Spider," "my lady," "I didn't take you for a bashful girl." And how Varys always bows to express agreement or consent.)

Onward to our second cliff chat, between our two brooding boiz (to be fair, Tyrion, Jon practices the brood almost constantly. He's the master. He's made an art of it. Nobody can out-brood Jon Snow.) Be interesting if you swapped problems and had Jon take on Cersei while Tyrion reckons with the Night King, but man...there's just so MUCH to take on. Two pressing wars at once. And oh, right, the dragonglass! Easily getting permission and aid to mine it--first good thing to come out of this miserable episode.
"Are you trying to present your own words as ancient wisdom?" "I'd never do that...to you..." XD O wise Imp. He is so, so good at talking. But Jon doesn't enjoy what he's good at (brooding! Having resting sadface! And yes, leading, though he never actually wanted to.) Does Tyrion represent water, flowing and mediating between the ice and fire?
"Talk to the hand!" "I talk to my hand all the time." *hand pops up with googly eyes and lipstick* "I'm Jennifer Lopez! Si, I like tacoooos!"

Jumping up to bossy, sarcastic, decisive Sansa, apparently doing a pretty good joj taking care of Winterfell and preparing for this longass season. (Would that the actual season of the show were long. Alas, it's the first to have a mere seven eps instead of ten! Augh!) Anyway. Hmm. That bit of advice from Littlefinger was...actually good? Intriguing insight into how his mind operates, I suppose. We expected, y'know, more immediately subversive kinds of whispers to Sansa. But basically he said to never stop thinking multiple steps ahead, consider every possibility, every contingency, and act as if all potential timelines are currently happening...so that you can't be taken by surprise. In other words, don't suffer from a failure of imagination! 8{ Ofc, Tinydigit's plans probably involve grooming her into a female version of himself, so. Yeah. -_- THEN comes a miniature Stark reunion. Meera seems not to get so much as a thank-you for dragging the 3-eyed raven all this freaking way. Sansa is creeped out by her bro's confusing new identity, and he needs to hone his sight so it can be of more use. (And, y'know, not fuck things up.)

Second great thing to happen this ep? Sam's cure worked on Jorah! I knew it would. So he's heading back to his Khaleesi, naturally. Nice lie, too. You just suddenly started feeling better and the greyscale disappeared, huh? Yup, must be the climate! ;) And Sam's like, "P'shaw, it was nothin'." I'll bet right now that your paths'll cross again. Best part, though, was Sam's explanation: "I read the book, and followed the instructions." ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Oh, and you wore gloves. Duhurr. 8-O *0* This guy's a maester prodigy--and his reward is a) no expulsion [yay?] b) praise from the archmaester c) copying all these old rotting manuscripts and scrolls. That have paper mites (and hopefully some valuable info?) in 'em. May need those gloves again?? Oyyy...

Finally we get to the battles. The Unsullied take Casterly Rock thanks to Tyrion's brilliant sewer route, BUT it turns out that most of the Lannister army is actually off defeating the Tyrells. (DAMN YOU TO HELL, RANDYLL FUCKING TARLY!! And damn you too, Jaime. "High-may," as my phone pronounces your name for some weird reason. Why must you look so majestic riding that pretty white horse of yours? Also, I wanna be a stableperson/horse-caretaker/breeder in Westeros. Looks like it could be a pretty in-demand, pleasant job. 'Til the poor horsies die in the battles of stupidass humans, that is...) So Highgarden is theirs and Olenna is to be executed. OLENNA! ;__; My hero. Thankfully Jaime wasn't an ass to her, and didn't use the same poison she'd used on Joffrey. Boy, will Cersei be pissed that he talked her out of the more brutal executions when (if? probably when) she learns that WASN'T Tyrion's doing. But yeah, Joff *was* a complete cunt (the only kid who took after his mum, so definitely her fave, right?) "You must be very wise by now." That's our Olenna--witty and badass to the bitter end. Cersei IS a disease, Jaime...and may you, or Arya, or SOMEONE on the good side be the end of HER.

So, looking ahead to next ep...*Ron Weasley voice* "Can we panic now?"
My my my, how things change. One minute Dany is all, "Pfffft. Did you not see three dragons flying around outside? And the Dothraki? You think I need YOUR help?!" Now it's: "Fuck. All my allies are gone. I'm losing." *initiate begging mode* Bet she's going to have to agree to help Jon so he'll help her. Yaaassss, the master plan, she is coming together. *taps fingertips together in eeeexcellent fashion* From the preview (slowed to 0.25-speed on YouTube), it seems as though that's exactly what will happen. She had to be placed in a desperate position to make this alliance occur, so that she would admit, "You were right! I'm sorry. We do need each other."
Plus...well, so many questions from the preview. "Who's that? What's that? Who's that? Who be doin' what now?!" Go, Theon! (Maybe?) Go, Brienne--who or what is she swinging her sword down on?! :0 Littlefinger--ugh, you can't be up to any good, eh? I swear, he'd better bite it by the end. Him, and all of Team Cersei save for Jaime. OH NO, IS THAT--well, nm. Just have to wait and see. x__x
So lesson learned--do NOT be cocky, Dany. That's what got Oberyn's head smashed in. Leave it for Cersei. At the same time, maybe it'll be wise to heed Olenna's advice to "be a dragon," since these initial "clever plans" were out-clevered. (Still honestly amazing that Yara & Theon didn't anticipate a potential attack by Euron, though. Yara & Ellaria were too busy with another sort of invasion below deck, ehHEH.) Dammit, we need to give the Iron Bank reason to invest in you over Cersei!!

There are always a few key people who just can't fit into each episode; this time it was Arya (still presumably heading north to add another Stark to the reunion) and the Hound (with Beric & Thoros.) I look forwad to seeing how they'll figure into this, too. Tormund and the wildlings we'll see again eventually, and Brienne will obviously do something important next week.

P.S. "Give me ten good men, and I'll impregnate the bitch." The taking of Casterly Rock had me soooo pumped and cheering until we realized what Euron and Jaime had done.
P.P.S. Still no sign of Gendry. But, Hot Pie for King!! Someone who takes the time to brown the butter is def monarch material, yo. You win, AND you bake pies.
P.P.P.S. I need a GoT musical *Patrick Star voice* really, really badly. And a THG crossover: "The Hunger Game of Thrones."