Game of Thrones Season 8 Episode 5: "The Bells" {INITIAL REACTIONS}

Okayyyyyy, so....the unbelievably shit leaks were for real then? These past three episodes, and especially this one, are the first time you can feel--no, SEE--the writers' hands moving the characters through inexplicably stupid actions from point A to point B, rather than watching a natural progression of events unfold organically. The illusion's breaking down. This penultimate episode is the one where Joe & Ma & I had to afterward really discuss the basic-ass bullshit box-ticking shenanigans D&D are pulling. (*Joe comes up from watching on the projector screen down the cellar* "Boy, they really ran this show into the ground, didn't they?" *proceeds to show me several painfully hilarious Reddit memes as we air some of our concerns and grievances*) I knew something was wrong as soon as the Night King shattered at the end of the third episode. The Long Night should have been multiple episodes. It conceivably could have gotten its own season. How much of this wonderfully, amazingly complex series is going to be thrown away because we only have one left? HBO should have insisted upon at least ten more eps, and found new showrunners if these guys weren't interested. And George, sir, pray tell how much of this came from you and your napkins?? Did you intentionally troll them and the world, perhaps to help figure out how NOT to end the story in your possibly-never-to-be-finished books? Or maybe you'll at least make it all make sense over a much longer period. I'll probably still hate it & be disappointed in Dany's fate (among other things...?), just maybe not as much. I assume this is the third surprise/twist (the first two being "Hold the door" and Stannis sacrificing Shireen only to lose.) It ain't a clever, surprising-yet-sensible subversion anymore, though; it’s just...straight-up bullshit...
Anyhow, my brother, the most spoiler-averse person I've ever known, read the leaks for this season. That's the amount of hope we're left with. Things are setting up for bitter shit, not bittersweet. A heaping helping of predictabullshit, with abundant amnesia.

Again I must start by asking Team Daenerys:
-Why didn't you set Gendry on some dragon armor?
-Why didn't you think to try assassinating Cersei instead of just letting Arya wander into King's Landing with the Hound on her own? (But no. The only assassination victim is seven-point-some-odd seasons' worth of character development.)
-Why didn't you ask Bran for ANY helpful information EVER, since he is clearly not forthcoming? He's so impartial, detached, out of it, and not-himself-anymore, he doesn't even "want" victory for the anti-Cersei side? Isaac couldn't have lied harder about "seeing a more human Bran again" this season, unless he was only thinking of the line right before Theon's departure... And Conleth may not have been lying about Bran not being the NK, but what of the hypothesis that Aerys went mad due to a voice attempting to tell him to burn all the DEAD?
Anyhow. Turns out Dany was dealt a bit of a shit Hand in Tyrion (who deserved that clocking from Bronn), and should have fully taken Olenna's advice to Be a Dragon in the first place. Could've saved us all a lot of grief.

Okay, so into the episode...first off, we gotta get rid of Varys. Whom I've loved since S1. He was so sure on Dany but now is all, "I don't know which side her coin landed on, but I'm pretty sure about yours Jon," even though poor. Jon. Doesn't. Fucking. Want it. He'd be her new Hand at most, and probably reluctant even to accept that. (And let's be real, Varys would prefer people he could more easily bend to HIS will.) But Jonno told, cunty Sansa told, Tyrion told, Varys spilled the beans more widely via letters and little birds...and Tyrion tattled on him. Plus he was actually trying to poison her already--what is he, clairvoyant?! Guess that's just his way ("an easy way out, and we'll release her from her suffering...") Yeah, guess he had to face the promised execution. Fair 'nuff. Truly hoped & believed it wouldn't happen, my guy. I know he feels guilty for the things he's done in the past despite having been overall well-intentioned, and thinks he's made a mistake in trying to restore the Targaryen dynasty in Westeros. The "Goodbye old friend" and Tyrion's touch got me. *cue So Long Old Friend from Garfield* This was no malicious ratting-out, even if Varys did save him from execution once. Oof. Sorry, buddy. BUT, hold up.

So we're not gonna find out what Varys heard in the flames when his parts were burned? His death IS just simple execution? What about Kinvara, what about all those red priestesses in Essos preaching Daenerys as the savior reborn from fire to remake the world and all that good stuff? They were really never gonna show up? How we gonna suddenly at the last moment drop all kinds of mysteries and clues and prophecies and plot lines that have been built up so awesomely because there's no time left thanks to D&D, and we gotta just kill everybody interesting and hope the whole audience has forgotten everything that happened along the way as easily as Dany forgot about the Iron Fleet? Didn't want to have to fill in all the blanks myself. No Nymeria's pack to the rescue either? Yara, Daario, the Second Sons, they're all gone and irrelevant? No additional dragons, of course. So I have to surrender the hope of seeing Hot Pie, Meera, or Jaqen again? How many details, people, and foreshadowed things are we going to waste? What is the ending going to do to the series' rewatchability? My faith (and I had all the faith in the world!) has not been rewarded after all these years. I feel a bit chumpish. You can't really compare GoT to other shows; you have to compare it to the standard and expectations it's set for itself.

So da-da-da, Tyrion wants to try to spare his hometown, fine...he frees Jaime, who tries to make his way to Cersei, killing and being severely wounded by the ever-arrogant "King Euron" in the process. (Fuckin' a queen makes you a king, eh? Well, he'd thought he as good as had the promise in the bag...but no mention of whose baby it actually was? At least she finally looked somewhat pregnant. But it turned out not to matter a whit one way or another! No valonqar necessary to kill her either--so HOW did this come from GRRM?!?!?!?!?!?!!!!! His hands might have been around her neck, but by Jove did she deserve much worse than those bricks. I guess it was indirectly Tyrion, who aided Dany, which I suppose could also kinda count toward that prophecy,...but ugh, gimme the strangulation dammit!!) The Jaime/Euron fight reminded me of Beatrix Kiddo vs. Elle Driver--minus the eye-plucking and toilet-flushing of course, but a similar brutal knock-down, drag-out energy and some of the same moves. Definitely think they had to have been at least subconsciously inspired by that (superior) choreography. And naturally, I guess--Euro was a rival for Cersei's affections and finger-in-the-bumming. But then ultimately, Jaime and wimpy whiny cowardly Cersei just get crushed together, simultaneously crushing the hope of that disappointing idiot killing her and possibly returning to Brienne. Well, he was probably as good as dead after the battle with Euron anyway, but he could've tried. At least Cersei's finally been done in; that's what matters, eh? But no one will ever know wtf happened there? My golden lion-boi wasn't lying to Brie? Cersei, who'd just put a hit out on her bro, didn't even get to learn that he knighted her and took her virginity. ;p Ugh, okay? DAMN but I hope his last whispered words were "I fucked Brienne of Tarth, bitch." So anyway, Jaime tries to rescue his sis & their fetus but in the end, is unable. Ser Brienne of Tarth, you should've been the "woman he loved" in whose arms he died. Just go get Tormund, girl, honestly. Fuck all these dipshit dumbasses. Everyone who's dead already is so fucking lucky they didn't have to witness this braindead shit. Mel babe, I'm so sorry you dedicated your whole life to saving humanity, and they turned out...that way. Should've let 'em all rot tbh. #smdh

Now, everybody should've just fled King's Landing. The catfight was between Cersei and Dany. Doesn't need to involve anyone else. You know shit's gonna go down soon, so you pack up YOUR shit and move outta the way; that's what I'd have done. Evacuate, and head back in soon as they're done. Anything's better than being in the way. Perhaps we've bid logic and common sense a permanent farewell, though. (I mean, couldn't Cersei have rather easily won last week when she chose only to decapitate Missandei?) The census on this moronic population, Tyr--is it "tens of thousands" or a million? Regardless, I'd have skedaddled. Split. Adios, suckers.
Anyways, apropos of nothing, we gotta transform Dany into some bizarre sort of villain. Dany, who has WELL earned her way to where she is, who deserves better than letting "Targaryenitis" set in during the second-to-last episode triggered by her overwhelming losses (supposedly.) And does this look good from a feminist standpoint? Fuck no. "Woman goes crazy, is too emotionally unstable, can't handle power, will have to be cast down and replaced by good and sane men..." Whoopee. Cool. :/ The way the opening recap had all those lines from across the series racing through her head was pretty good. But the way it played out still makes no sense. Let's see:

Dany & Drogon handily got shit done the right way. (Ho boy, Harry Strickland--how'd ya like the performance and development on THAT exciting new character?! XD Golden Company who?) The bells rang. *cue Anita Ward* The swords were dropped. Things were looking good. Dany seemed to be making the beeline for Cersei--perfect!! But then suddenly...wait, how come we fighting again? How come Drogon's unleashing more fire-breath and knocking random shit down? What? This was pure "Well we got lotsa time left and needa wreck King's Landing, obvies. We need more explosive dragon action and wildfire activation and stone crumbling and chaos in the streets. Gotta fill out this long action episode!" There was no other reason for it but a writer's desire for drama/spectacle, together with the need to kill off more main characters (who should've died at Winterfell.) You don't as a character do that without necessity to the city you want to rule, and you don't create all that rebuilding work and expense for yourself, unless you REALLY fucking hate the architecture. She wouldn't even in her right mind have tried to wipe out the Lannister army after they'd surrendered. It was D&D feeling obligated to damage a King's Landing set, and nothing more. (Or a clinically insane Daenerys who cannot be held accountable for her otherwise entirely inexplicable actions.) Because what possible good could you even claim she was thinking that course of action would do her? You don’t achieve the aim for which you’ve been fighting like hell for years and years, then instead of claiming it follow a random brain-spazz that will lose you support and motivate others to take the hard-won goal from you because you’re unstable, illogical, and needlessly destructive. Unless you secretly want to sabotage yourself. Maybe she does on some level want Jon to be king. Who tf knows...

Cersei was the NK of the situation; how many times I was sitting there willing various people to "Just. Kill. Her. NOW," I don't even know. (And while you're at it, Drogon, swoop in and take care of the Mountain for Sandor, jfc tap-dancing on a cracker!!!! Dx)
Yes, of course you have to wrest the city (and land) free of Cersei's tyrannical grip. Not your fault that that's the task you're faced with. If she were a good queen, you might still think the throne had been stolen from the Targaryens, but it wouldn't be imperative to remove her. You could stay ruling in Essos, where you had liberated people practically worshiping you.
Send the remaining Unsullied & Dothraki home—“Thanks for helping us defeat our enemies, guys! Wish we could've crowned your queen!” :p
And Grey Worm, boy, he's made it through everything so far...driven now by the desire to avenge poor Missandei. ;;
Davos! Did I miss something? What was he supposed to be smuggling? All he did was stand with Jon and Grey Worm the whole time...?

Cleganebowl, we got, yep. Nearly ended in another Oberyn-style melon-squishing, but Sandor FINALLY made the right "zombie"-killin' move and went for the eye/face/head/neck. And even THEN, the bastard is still standing and pulling the blade from clean through his head. Qyburn mah dude, you created an indestructible being made of like, styrofoam? xD Fire or dragonglass might do the trick. ;p So then the only way to end him is apparently to charge, plunge, and die together. -_- Arya's KL quest was pointless in the end...she didn't even show up outta nowhere again to take out the Mountain for the Hound, or finish him off if he was mortally wounded or something. She ran around, tried rather ineffectively to save some folks, said no to the god of death yet again, had some fun maybe. All to give us the "on-the-ground" perspective.
Qyburn, who had been trying to talk sense to nutty Cersei the whole time (loved how her every statement kept getting disproved, like lmao bitch you thought!), should've just abandoned her and tried to save himself. Instead the monster killed its creator, and the cute lil' ol' creepy man got quickly dispatched by the hideous Ser Gregor (how long did Thor have to sit still for those prosthetics!)--whose hatred for his brother STILL overpowered his programming to obey Cersei. There remained some of his old evil self in his new, reanimated evil self. That most salient brother-loathing part anyway. xD;
...But yeah, Sandor, I wouldn't mind being like you; kinda already am, you're pretty awesome. Like the Squidward of Westeros. "Hate's as good a thing as any to keep a person going." Eeyup. Rest well, man. You finally got 'im. (Even if I guess he probably would've gotten crushed/burned as well anyway...it hadda be you, had to have that showdown...enjoy every fookin' chicken in the afterlife regardless...x) And I mean, potentially Arya could've just killed Cersei and been done with it; wouldn't have taken the rest of her life...;p The "don't be consumed by vengeance" thing was kinda dumb/lame; her righteous mission was nearly finished. I wanted it to be Jaime killin' his sis, though, & got bricks.

Ending? Arya takes for fucking ever to climb on a goddamn horse. Who got more pettings than Ghost. Preview? Not much. Of course you have no choice but to watch what'll probably be a continued trainwreck. I knew from the third one on that I was looking forward more to the documentary than to the remaining episodes. This is a colossal prank, right? They're holding the real Season 8 to air in a single-day marathon after next week. They've got to be.
Best aspect of this season since episode 2 has been Melisandre's stuff, but she deserved more.

ETA: It's called "The Bells." *cue "I Can Hear the Bells"* Sooooo...blonde Targaryens have an unavoidable, innate conditioning to flip their lids and do the least logical, most out-of-character thing possible upon hearing the sound of bells tolling? Seriously, what else could possibly be the explanation next week? "I prematurely gave up on earning love here so I decided to go extreme Machiavelli to instill even more fear even though that ain't what I'm about and it made less than no sense whatsoever?" sHoCk VaLuE, the only reason we may get anymore as these two loony locos finish the show out by giving you a gigantic middle finger? There was no valid reason to have her rage around the city that just surrendered and from which she sought to rule as a beloved queen. You can play it as if she's going to succumb to the darker side of her nature, but to actually have her go batty at the last moment is such a shamefully cheap disservice to a beautifully developed character. An immense slap in the face. Not one single thing short of inherent, incest-driven mental illness suggests anything believable about Dany winning the victory toward which she's striven for seven and a half seasons--only to immediately forego it in favor of pointless fire-breathing victory laps that only destroy most of the city she wanted, along with any credibility among the people she's killing and allowing to be raped/pillaged/looted by her armies for no reason. 8-p Throwing away EVERYTHING from 70+ episodes. It's a sheer WASTE of people, including ones on her side, and the city, and Cersei. Not one single past action of hers is remotely comparable to that spontaneous snap. It's just, "You got the unlucky coin flip and that's all there is to it; game over, sorry girl." "...And she's doing this why? To waste time and potentially give Cersei a chance to escape? To ultimately get herself killed? Okay." 8-\ I'd say they should've at least had her destroy Cersei FIRST, but...nah, nm, that'd be even worse. ><

The rest of KL had given her no reason to destroy it. Cersei was the reason two of her children were dead (Viserion died trying to rescue the jerks who were attempting to bring Cersei a wight so she’d agree to a truce and help them.) Her beef was with her. “mAd QuEeN dAnY” wasn’t foreshadowed half as strongly as BOATSEX BABY, but that went NOWHERE, so WHAT THE FUCKITY FUCKING FUCK?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! Trying to paint her as turning villainous was too little too late.

After the BoW she feels rightly underappreciated, but c'mon, she hasn't yet even begun trying to win love throughout the wider world of Westeros. She hasn't given that a chance. Jon is not her beloved rival because he doesn't want it, so she doesn't need to resort to terror. No reason she wouldn't know this. Of course everyone should love you & hate Cersei, but you need to show them why.

Jonerys baby: are we tossing all that foreshadowing, or will it add to the tragedy when Jon has to kill his auntie-girlfriend queen? Sigh. Such a shitty, defeatist overall feeling, even for GoT. "Don't even bother trying to better yourself, it's impossible; you can't resist your evil twin, you can't overcome your inherent genetic insanity no matter how hard you try or how strong you are...everyone and everything is just doomed..."
Also, if that POS Sansa gets to rule the north, I will need a personal audience with D&D (maybe even George) for the million bones I have to pick with 'em...x-p How can this be salvaged in one more episode?

Interesting thought I just read: If when Jon has to sadly and solemnly "euthanize" Dany, his sword were to ignite...that'd make her Nissa Nissa, and him Azor Ahai after all (uggggghhh so obviously predictable, much as I love him.) The somewhat cool side of that would be that her spazz-out in "The Bells" was predestined, not really her fault; she actually lost her mind and carried out fate...and had to be the sacrifice to forge Lightbringer...although, that's a fucking stupid idea at this point because that prophecy was ultimately about defeating the dead. Unless Bran does become the second NK, or somehow they rise again, or something... I'm sticking with my Mel-Mel as the actual AA. People had been thinking she might be NN, but evidently not. Anyway. I just want some good 'splanation for why this big twist (Dany burning KL) was handled/presented as 'twas.

*~Curtain Calls*~ 
Get tae fuck!